


Raison D'ėtre

by BluJae



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-10
Updated: 2019-05-10
Packaged: 2020-02-29 09:29:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18775510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BluJae/pseuds/BluJae
Summary: Many people had assumed Severus Snape's reason for being. Many assumed wrong.





	Raison D'ėtre

**Author's Note:**

> Just a little one shot. Haven't written for quite some time so be kind if you find any errors. Also this is my first fic on this platform so I may make some mistakes with formatting the text. 
> 
> As always the characters do not belong to me.
> 
> Enjoy!

 

He remembered when he held Draco as a baby. Small and pitching a terrible fit, the boy had instantly calmed when Narcissa had placed him in his arms. Light blue eyes stared up at the man.

‘Oh Severus! You have a gift!’ Narcissa gushed as she stepped back to admire her son in his godfathers' arms. Lucius growled from the doorway of the nursery and Narcissa smirked.

“Ignore him Severus, Draco isn't too fond of his father yet.”

“Screams bloody murder at the sight of me, more like,’ Lucius mumbled before straightening and walking fully into the room. “Of course, I will rectify this.” He then launched into his scheme to make Draco adore him as no other. Narcissa shook her head, laughing at every outrageous point made.

Severus ignored both of them, his eyes firmly taking in the new child.

 

***

He remembered when he held Harry Potter. Again, the bawling baby instantly quieted in his arms and Lily positively beamed. While still at odds and awkward in each other's company, the birth of her baby had pushed Lily into contacting Severus.

“New mothers are notorious for showing off their newborns to everyone and anyone.” Narcissa had advised him after his confusion over Lily inviting him to meet the boy.

He looked down at the baby and tried to see something, anything of Lily but all he saw was Potter. A dark mop of hair plastered the boy's brow and dark eyes tried to focus on Severus’ face. He was so very different from Draco, but the scent. The scent was the same. Severus breathed deeply and tried to lock it away in his mind. He desperately wanted to hate the child and given time he could probably accomplish it, but at the moment the baby was just that...a baby. Tiny arms that railed around in no distinct manner made him chuckle. Severus spent the afternoon rocking the child as he slept and left before Potter Senior returned, none the wiser to who had held his son.

 

***

 

In his quiet moments his mind would wander back to those two babies. He often thought of how his own child would look. Most people would never guess it but Severus had always wanted a family. Even as a child, when his father laid his fists into his mother, and he would hide in the cupboard under the sink, he would chant he would never hurt the ones he loved. Of course, he would eventually end up hurting the ones he loved the most. The following year saw the death of the Potters. His fault. He put away those fantasies of having his own family. He didn’t deserve a family anyway and who in their right mind would want to marry and bear a child to him? He was a death eater. Even with his defection he had still helped torture and murder people. Why would he inflict that kind of darkness on a family? So, he forged on. Alone. He was disciplined enough to not let his fantasies encroach into his thoughts too often. Occasionally however, when he was ever so weary, and after a long day, he would trudge slowly into his rooms, thinking how nice it would be to have a wife to greet him and a child to excitedly squeal that daddy was home. He would then sadly hang his robes and shake his head at his foolishness.

 

***

 

The Dark Lord returned. Those years he was excessively glad he did not have a family. It was without a doubt too dangerous. The Dark Lord often used family members as leverage or as a form of punishment. It was not a rare occasion to arrive to a meeting with one of the death eaters' children or partner writhing in pain under the Dark Lords wand. He knew he wouldn’t last the war. Or at least he suspected it. Severus had hoped it was to be quick and painless. An Avada would have done him nicely. Knowing however that the Dark Lord was relying on others to do his dirty work Severus knew he wouldn’t be that lucky, and there was nothing to be done in that regard. He had however taken precautions in regards to Nagini. In the oft chance he could survive this war he would take it. He was a Slytherin after all. However, if he considered his actions carefully, he would find that his hope to survive meant that he just might have a chance at a family. And that was his greatest wish.

 

***

 

_She_ was there when he woke. The healers had ensured that he was as comfortable as possible, despite the aurors posted at his door. He had expected much less so he was not going to complain, not that he could in his condition anyway. Hermione _bloody_ Granger. She had hovered at the edge of the room unsure of her welcome. Once she knew she was not going to be thrown out on her arse she had settled herself into his schedule quite thoroughly. He was confused as to why she was here but he welcomed the company regardless. The entertainment of having her though there was a bonus.

She held absolutely no love for the aurors and was not afraid to let them know.

“Don't touch me you bumbling buffoon,” she snarled, slapping the aurors hands away. The auror, Thompson, rolled his eyes at her which seemed to enrage her further.

“You know we have to search you.”

“Do you know who I am?” She hissed.

“Yes I-” The witch cut him off, stretching on her toes and into his face.

“I’m Hermione Granger. I kept Harry Potter alive long enough to kill Tom Riddle. I destroyed a piece of his soul. I fought Death Eaters and survived every encounter. What did you do?” She had poked the flabbergasted man hard enough to send him stumbling backwards and pushed past him. Severus smirked and she had flushed, trying to calm her hair which always crackled with magic when she was angered. Then she would sit and provide him with something new to read while she did the same. Sometimes she would stop and stare out the window. Her mind obviously transported back to battles won and lost. He knew the look well. Sometimes she would scoff at whatever she was reading and then proceed to fill him in on what she was reading. His voice took some time to return to him so he was content to let her rant. At least it stopped him from going mad with boredom. Every time she left, she would squeeze his hand and promise to return later. And every time she returned her face would light up and she would smile. Just for him.

 

***

 

“Hermione?”

She startled, her head snapping up to find Severus staring at her, with an odd look on his face. Normally he would never address her by her first name. She frowned in confusion and then she saw his mouth drop a little. The mediwitch had obviously given his potions early. He would be out like a light soon. She sighed and closed her book, knowing her visiting hours had just been cut short.

“Do you like babies?”

She stopped and stared. Those words, in that voice, coming from him shocked her to stillness. His head dropped back further and his ink black hair was stark against the pillow. His eyes closed. “I like babies,’ he sighed softly and then his body relaxed as the potions did their job. She shook her head as she packed her things away.

 

******

 

Hermione smiled broadly as the newest Weasley was placed in her arms. Victoire Weasley was the spitting image of her mother with the exception of the soft strawberry blonde hair curling at her brow.

“Oh, she’s just adorable,” Hermione gushed.

“We think so,” Bill said proudly before turning to talk to his wife. Hermione hummed, her eyes on the little girl asleep in her arms. She had never held a baby before but it felt quite natural and she found herself starting to sway. She looked up at her surroundings and her eyes landed on Severus. Having fully recovered he had returned to Hogwarts and to Hermione's delight-maintained correspondence with her. She would see him occasionally at meetings or like today a family event. Arthur stood next to him, talking lowly and Severus appeared to be listening but his attention was completely on her. Ever so quickly his eyes darted to the baby and Hermione almost, _almost_ missed it. His face softened, his eyes thawed and the side of his mouth quirked. His gaze darted to her face and she saw him take a sharp breath. Then he straightened, his features hardening once more before returning to listen to Arthur. Hermione stared at him. She had seen it. She was sure of it. The absolute raw longing on his face as he saw her with a baby.

“You look good with a babe,” Ron remarked as he stood in front of her, effectively cutting her view of Severus off. She nodded numbly, still rocking little Victoire as her head ran with one simple phrase.

“ _I like babies._ ”

 

***

 

After seeing Hermione with the Weasley babe, Severus could not get the image out of his head. The adoring smile Hermione bestowed on the child as she cradled her to her breast made him lose his breath. Then she had looked up at him with that same smile and Severus could almost imagine she was his and the child was theirs. He had long given up the guise that he did not like her. In fact, he was positive he felt more than like for her but was reluctant to name the feeling she produced within him. She was pleasant company. Smart as a whip and not afraid to stand up for herself and those she cared for.

He also accepted that he was attracted to her, having been awoken many nights from dreams that left him gasping her name and spilling his seed. Still he knew that a smart young witch like Hermione Granger would never consider Severus in any form other than a mentor or at best, a friend. Though he accepted that fact, he could not stop his imagination running rampant. She was now firmly installed as the mother figure of his imaginary children. It was she he came home to after a long day, take his robes and peck him on the cheek. Often, he found himself thinking on what it would be like to hold their child. To help him or her take their first steps. Would his chest burst with pride when his child looked up at him adoringly and shout ‘up daddy’? The longing ripped him open and for the first time in many a year Severus felt tears prickle his eyes. Then he would stand snarling and struggling to regain composure. He hated his weakness. He knew that this dream would never come true and he would die a lonely old man.

 

***

 

Hermione loved her job. She had chosen it over a ministry position for many reasons but three stood out. The first was that her expertise obviously lay in research. The company that employed her utilized her well, across many fields. As she was one of the few witches that enjoyed most branches of magic it meant that her work was always new and satisfying. She was never bored and always excited about the next assignment. The company also was tied with the ministry and with Hogwarts so she was lucky to see most of her friends on a regular basis.

The second reason was that it was flexible. She could choose her hours and work from home. Which lead her to the third reason. It meant that having a family while pursuing an intellectually satisfying career was feasible. While Hermione had balked at the idea of having a baby so young, Severus’ drugged induced slip of the tongue had her brain spinning with day dreams. Sometimes those daydreams spun into dreams that left her gasping with need. She consistently struggled to keep herself calm in his presence. His voice, his hands, his eyes all left her fighting for self-control.

She was under no delusions of the man himself though. Mean, petty and spiteful, he was a solitary creature with very cemented habits. Though he had easily allowed her into his life with nary a raised eyebrow so that was something. He listened to her, debated with her and kept her company. For all her intellect however, she could not figure out a way into Severus’s life other than what she already was to him. While appreciative to be able to call him a friend she wanted more and she got the feeling he did too.

 

***

 

“I think Angela is pregnant.”

“Really?” Severus murmured; his head still bent over his parchment.

“Yes. It got me thinking...” Severus looked up at her sitting on his couch, a book perched on her lap. He smirked.

“Of course, it did.”

Hermione rolled her eyes with a small smile. “Yes well, anyway. I was reading up on genetics in a muggle newspaper the other morning. They're making huge leaps in the field at the moment, you know...and it got me thinking about traits passed on from parent to child.”

Severus had returned to his parchment but she knew he was still actively listening to her. She would often just start talking about something she read somewhere and Severus would sit back and enjoy the sound of her voice as she rambled on.

“So, I started looking at the traits of my friends and which ones they’ve passed onto their babes.”

“Did you come to the remarkable deduction that Weasleys breed true to a certain color of hair?”

She let out a laugh that echoed around his living room. He smiled into the parchment secretly pleased he had made her make such a lovely sound.

“It was quite fun actually. Then I started thinking about my own children.”

She was watching him quite carefully, noting on his reactions. His body seemed to tense and his eyes had strayed from whatever he was reading to stare at the inkwell close by.

“Go on,” he said stiffly.

“Well to do this I had to imagine a father.”

“Unless, of course, you can create a child immaculately.” He put down his quill and sat back in his chair.

“I could try,” she said with a smile as his eyes finally met hers. “but here's the crux of the matter...I can't actually imagine myself many wizards.”

He nodded sagely standing up from his desk. “An angry, bushy, red headed swot would be quite a sight to behold.”

She laughed again and settled further into the couch. She closed the book and gave her complete attention to the man across from her.

“What about a curly headed, dark eyed swot?”

Severus’ whole framed stiffened noticeably and then relaxed. “Fornicating with Potter would get you into an incredible amount of trouble with his wife I’d imagine.”

Hermione smirked. “No doubt. Harry didn’t even come into the equation. Plus, Harry’s eyes are green.”

“Indeed. And yours are brown,” He said as he sat across from her in the dark green armchair.

“And yours are black.”

Silence surrounded them. One, desperately wishing he would get the hint, the other desperately wishing she was implying him. He had never had too much hope in his life and so he squashed that desperation savagely. She was obviously just playing a game, there was no actual truth here and that’s what he chose to tell himself.

“I pity any child that would be genetically dispositioned to this nose.”

“I quite like your nose.”

“Not on a child you wouldn’t.”

She huffed. “Perhaps the child will get my nose.”

He folded his fingers together and placed them on his lap. “Perhaps, but it is a gamble.”

“Perhaps,” she mused. “Perhaps the child will get my teeth?”

“There is nothing wrong with your teeth.”

Hermione looked at him sharply. “If you tell me you see no difference again, I will wallop you Severus.”

He started at her abrupt change of manner. Again? He never... _oh_. “No. No I won't,” he promised in a low voice. Seeing her relax he tried to steer her back to happier conversation. “Perhaps the child's teeth could be altered magical like your own?”

“Perhaps-”

Suddenly he stood up and let out a huff. She looked up at him, concerned. Had she pushed him too far?

“As lovely as it is pretending to construct what a child of our genetic makeup might look like it is futile to continue to do so.” He marched over to the bookcase and began scanning the titles. She stood up as well, taking steps towards him but stopping.

“Why?”

He whirled around momentarily lost. Then his mouth morphed into a snarled and he stalked past her. She noted his agitated state and knew that she was close to blowing it, but figured she was in the endgame now. He would know her feelings one way or the other.

“A witch of your standing should barely be of acquaintance with a wizard such as myself.”

Hermione wrinkled her nose at the lame excuse. They were both war veterans, both held Order of Merlin's, both had respectable careers. “That’s a silly reason.”

He spun around, flabbergasted at her reply. “Is it? Very well. You’re 20 years my junior. I was your professor for most of your school years. I was cruel to you and your friends. I am not a nic-” His words were cut off when Hermione had launched herself into his arms, catching his lips and pushing her own against them. Startled, he froze, shocked at this turn of events and barely believing it was actually happening. Slowly he started to reply pressure and remembered he actually possessed arms which he quickly twined around her small frame. She seemed inordinately pleased with this and opened her mouth to his, swiping her tongue against his own. Slowly she pulled back at stared up at his dazed expression.

“Severus, do you not what I have learnt these past 2 years?” He looked down at her.

“No?”

“That I like babies too.”

 

***

 

Their relationship wasn’t easy. They both had issues. Despite children being on the cards, they both knew they had a lot to sort out so that was put on the back burner. It took time but eventually Severus and Hermione moved in together. Then Severus asked Hermione to marry him. The wedding was small and private and everything they both wanted. Severus retired from his role as Headmaster, keen to put his focus onto his own research.

And then he woke up to a cold bed, with no Hermione in sight. He sat up, listening for telltale sounds she was puttering around in the kitchen somewhere.

Nothing. Silence.

A small part of him panicked but he squashed it ruthlessly. After five years together he was getting better at that. Hermione had chosen him. Hermione was faithful and loyal. She wouldn’t leave him. There was a rational explanation to her absence. Taking a deep breath, he was just about to swing his legs off the bed when he saw it. A potion vial on her pillow. He frowned, picking it up and holding it up to the light. The obvious swirl of silver memories made his eyebrows rise in confusion. What was his wife playing at? Wife. He never got tired of that little word playing across his mind. He smiled as he palmed the vial and summoned the small pensieve Hermione had brought him as a birthday gift two months ago. Emptying the contents of the vial he lowered his head and was immediately transported to...his bathroom?

The sound of sobbing alarmed him and he spun around to see his wife on the floor. She was curled up, her back against the door, bawling. Severus immediately crouched, concerned. He had never seen her cry. Not like this. Had he done something to upset her? What had happened to put her in such a state?

She seemed to sober then. Suddenly she stood up and strode across to the vanity. He frowned at her odd behavior. She wiped her face, taking a deep breath before turning on her side and looking critically at her body. A growing unease enveloped Severus as he thought that perhaps she thought herself fat? Unattractive? Undesirable? He quickly flipped through the last couple of months replaying their interactions. He was not the most demonstrating of husbands but he had called her beautiful a few times. Perhaps it was not enough?

Then she lifted her pyjama top and splayed her hand across her belly. The small secret smile appeared on her face as she glanced up to her face.

“Congratulations Severus. You're going to be a daddy.”

He violently ripped himself from the pensieve, gasping for air as his brain tried to understand what had just happened. Placing the pensieve carefully next to him, he struggled to control his breathing. A giggle startled him and he looked up to see his wife leaning against the doorway.

“Surprise.”

He was on her in two strides. Hermione's eyes widen as he gathered her to him. He pressed his face into her ridiculous hair breathing in her scent, and trying to calm the erratic beating of his heart.

“Are you sure?”

She laughed, her own hands making soothing strokes down his back. “Four pregnancy tests and a visit to St Mungo’s confirms it.”

He pulled back and looked into her eyes. “A baby,” he whispered.

“Our baby.”

 

*****

 

Anura Tove Snape was born during a particular violent storm. Severus had watched his wife, in awe, as she walked and stretched through her contractions. Occasionally she would stop, her body swaying gently, one hand on her back, the other rubbing circles over her belly. Sometimes she would lean against a wall, a low drawn out moan escaping her. Those moment he was up, rubbing her lower back and whispering encouragement in her ear. Then he was relegated back to their bed to wait till she needed him again.

Hermione knew what she wanted. A homebirth with just them. Poppy was on standby just in case, but she had gone over with the both of them what to expect and they were both diligent students. Most witches had babies at home anyway usually so it was not met with much resistance when they had announced their intentions.

When Anura had slid from her mother's body into her father's arms a large bolt of lightning lit the dim room. A shock of black hair adorned her head, her nose: tiny and button like and her wide dark blue eyes stared up at Severus. Hermione had slid down from her crouch and let out a laugh of pure enjoyment at the sight of her husband holding their first child. Tears rolled down his face as he took in his daughter. He pulled her close, marvelling at this little creature, at his amazing wife, at his life.

“Hello my little love.”

 

****

 

“Up Daddy. Up”

Little raised chubby hands made grasping motions at him as dark brown eyes twinkled with laughter. His heart properly burst in his chest as he lifted Anura up high, which caused her to let out a squeal of laughter before settling her against his chest. She borrowed into his neck, her hand grabbing a fistful of robes and let out a little sigh. Severus rubbed her back as Hermione, heavy with their second child pecked a kiss on his cheek. He smiled down at her, silently thanking the fates for gifting him his greatest desire.

A wife.

A child.

A family.

Love.

He was home.

 

                                _Finite_


End file.
